Easter Film Review

Well, after failing to do sitting down things on Good Friday, I tried harder for the rest of the weekend. This time I succeeded! So here is a run down of the weekends films:

1) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring : ****

Dumbledore and some fellas of varying heights roam the New Zealand countryside meeting elves, fighting orcs, and generally having a good time. Sure, there is some mean bloke trying to destroy their homes and enslave them, and the vertically challenged ones are permanently on the brink of tears, but overall it's a feel-good romcom. The best bit is when Dumbledore shouts 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS' and then 'dies'.

Morals of the story:

• Jewellery is evil (compare and contrast: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows).
• Never toss a dwarf.

2) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers : ****

See above.

Morals of the story:

• Never enrage a giant tree.
• Tossing a dwarf is acceptable in the midst of battle.

3) I Love You, Man: ***

Man is getting married, but has no friends to be his best man (why he couldn't ask his brother I have not worked out. Probably because then there would be no film). Goes speed-dating and makes a friend, but the friend is a tad childish and causes friction between Man and his fiancée. There's a lot of air guitar, jokes about Lou Ferrigno, and an awful lot of swearing considering it was being broadcast at 2pm. In the end, it all works out fine: he gets the girl, he gets the friend, and even the dramatic gay man is happy.

Morals of the story:

• It's bad to laugh at people (read: Americans) who spell Zoe 'Zooey'.
• Don't name your dog after dead Egyptian presidents, as you will get sued.

4) The Matrix: **

Keanu Reeves takes a break from looking sad to discover the world is a computer program. Actually, this was before he was sad, but as this world is not real it doesn't matter what order I say things happen. Anyway, Keanu busts out of the program, where he had a nice cushy life, to the real world, where he is hunted and suffers a fair bit. Silly man.

Morals of the story:

• There is no spoon.

5) Public Enemies: ****

Man robs bank. Man gets sent to jail. Man escapes. Man robs bank. Man has intimate relations with Woman. Man dies and Woman gets sent to jail. The End.

Morals of the story:

• Just say no.

6) Shrek: ****

It had been so long since I'd seen the original Shrek that I'd forgotten a lot of the jokes, which was nice. Shrek is an ugly ogre, who goes to save a princess trapped in a castle. But, the princess has a secret *gasp* - she is also an ogre! Well, only at night time. Then she looks like half the drag queens down the gay village on a Friday night. She eventually comes to realise that Shrek is her true love, and they get rid of Lord Shortypants and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, there are no dragon-donkey-babies in this film *sad face*.

Morals of the story:

• Princesses can explode birds with the power of their voices. Beware.
• Inside every dragon is a beautiful woman just waiting to be loved.

7) Hot Fuzz: ***

Simon Pegg is a super duper policemanofficer who gets sent to a quiet country village when he gets promoted. He meets Nick Frost, who is another policemanofficer, and they become best buds. But then, Simon Pegg uncovers a dastardly ethnic cleansing programme going on in the village, and disagrees on moral grounds. So he shoots the lot.

Morals of the story:

• Chunky Monkey is the standard punishment for drink driving.
• You can take on most organised crime rings if you have aviators, ketchup and a sea mine.

8) Valentines Day: ***

Star-studded romcom (compare and contrast: Lord of the Rings Trilogy) full of heart-warming story arcs that go a bit like this: boy meets girl. Boy finds out girl is an Adult Phone Entertainer. Boy has a bit of a paddy, but the girl has fallen in love with him after like, two dates, so they are fated to be together for all eternity. It's a bit like a bad American version of 'Love Actually', but in this one the cute kid is in love with his teacher, which is a bit creepy.

Morals of the story:

• In fact, this whole film is one long moral. Think of all the morals you could fit into a film about love, and you've just about got it.

So, there you have what I got up to this Easter weekend.

And now, it's time for me to ask for a little help from you guys back home. On Friday me and three others are going off on a ten day trip. However, we want to call it 'A Quest For...' but have not come up with a good thing to be questing for. Any ideas? The trip will include:

• Ice.
• Sea Creatures.
• Boats.
• Stars.
• Period dress.

Answers on a postcard/email please!